Khaotic Unwind

Barry Bonds and the end of it all.

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 20:07:02 GMT

No doubt you've heard about the whole Barry Bonds/steoroids situation... and you haven't, climb from under the rock. Either way, CHECK THIS OUT:

Yes! Haha...

Anyways... this is most likely my last post here. I don't feel like updating *this* particular journal anymore. It's like a chapter of my life that has ended and it's time to move on. This is my new URL:

livefrom505

Happy Valentines Day ;)

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 20:42:40 GMT

I just wanted everyone on my friends list to know how much I appreciate their entries! Take care and hope you receive many nice and thoughtful surprises on the day of lurrrve ;)

Who knows what will happen with my life...

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 14:02:01 GMT

I really don't have the motivation to write anything anymore.

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 14:01:19 GMT

Well, the day when my Wildean wit and charm have failed to save my ass from ultimate failure has ARRIVED. The professor from my Communications class said that while I'm an intelligent girl I'm irresponsible (look at that!); I had too many absences... oops! Well, too bad.

ANYWAY! I had my FINAL final today... unfortunately I barely studied because I stayed watching Goodfellas last night; and then I dreamt about Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci ("Whydaya thank I'm funny?"). That movie kills.

This is my last entry... at least for a while. I'm going to be computerless for the break. Hey! Next time I'll post, I'll be in San Germán! This is both exciting and nervewrecking at the same time. It's kinda sad I have nothing spectacular to report on this, my last day in this campus. I can't believe I'm about to live with three strangers and get lost countless times, starting fresh. I don't know... wish me luck, please!

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 15:20:25 GMT

I had the most horrible night ever; I was at the HOSPITAL. I swear, a hospital really is the last place you ever want to be at. It wasn't even for me; it was my mother. She's had the flu for a while, but last night it got worse, as she is asthmatic and she was wheezing so bad... I felt so bad for her, partly because I couldn't even drive her (I don't have a license and my car doesn't have a battery), mostly because my English final was today and she had to drive me over to the Inter, as usual. It's so fucking frustrating!

When I got here, Shand told me that even though I had a 91 in his class, I still had to take the final, which was basically writing a second draft of an essay we did in class a couple of weeks ago. "Founding a New Civilization", it's called... if I get an A or a high B then I'll still have an A on the class... pretty shitty, he could've let me off without the final since he knows I'm one of his best students. No, seriously. Oh well... with all the hell that took getting here, I was actually glad I had to turn in the final.

Man, I only have two more finals to go and I am done! It's almost surreal. I'm leaving this place... after three years... Just yesterday I was this scared, angry kid who wanted to be anywhere but here. And now... I've come a long way since then. So many new experiences... things that I would have never thought would happen to me... I'm going to miss this place. It hasn't sunken in yet, but when it does... it's going to kill me.

Have I ever mentioned that deep down inside, without the walls, cynism, stubborness and all the things that make me great, I'm just pathetically sentimental? Heh... well, I am. I get attached to memories and places; partly because I crave stability, mostly because I'm just ravaged by bouts of melancholy. And in the end, it all becomes a mess; but a mess that I need, that gives me the will to fight my way out of problems, out of solutions; to fight my way out of everything or nothing, but a will to fight nonetheless.

Meh, I'm babbling incoherences right now. I think I'm really just sleep-deprived.

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 19:06:44 GMT

I just found out I actually have a B on the class I barely went to... HAHAHA. Sometimes I amuse myself, but I don't think I'll be so lucky on my Communications class.

I made my schedule for next semester (in San German!), just 12 credits, all in Psychology classes. You know, it's funny, because I've been giving it a lot of thought and the more I do, the more I'm convinced I should've studied English after all. I realized that if I really want to write, a major in English would've been the way to go. Unfortunately, because I'm so DAMN STUBBORN I've wasted three years of college; I always said "anything but English" just because everyone else in my (extended) family studied to be an English teacher, and everyone always said "you're going to end up studying English" and that, my friends, is the main damn reason for my stupidity - STUBBORNESS. I wanted to prove myself wrong and in the end I couldn't, because writing and books are my life and I can't avoid that... however, I can't change majors now when all I'm a year away from being finished. A YEAR. It's amazing how time just flies. Anyway, I'm going to try and pick up English as a minor, which is just 18 credits.

It's amazing - I got an e-mail talking about an INTERNSHIP WITH THE MLB, as a writer. A writer in Fenway... or Shea... I actually went to Monster.com and created a resumé. Then I got scared, because in the highly improbable event that they would call I think I would die. The shock of an actual change in my life would be so damn hard that I would collapse. I don't know, sometimes I wish I took more risks - real risks.

The Big One

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 14:06:45 GMT

Oh my God... it's that time of year... Christmas season! Which is basically my death sentence. Why? Because it translates to TIME TO GET SICK. I took some Comtrex last night and then I woke up at about 5am and took two more... about twenty minutes later I felt like strong contractions in my back and in my stomach and nasty nausea. I tried to go to the kitchen and eat some crackers (hee) but I didn't make it and ended up puking in the trash. Yeah, I've fallen so low these days. Plus, my Comtrex incident has aroused a newfound admiration for people who survive fucked-up suicide attempts with pills... the cramps really make you think twice before doing something otherwise considered stupid. Anyway, miserable as I was, I went to school because I had an exam and a final essay re-write. I can't afford to skip class anymore... although it's a little too late to be applied and responsible since classes end Thursday. Oh well, at least I took the tests.

My body hurts; and not just because of the flu, but because I spent the entire day (yesterday) driving to San German to complete my transfer. I swear, that school is so intimidating (it's huge!) and I got lost a couple of times... looked like a fucking freshman when I'm actually a third year... I don't really care for status but it's those little things which piss me off. Anyhow, I managed to take care of my business and if all goes well and good I'll be both partying and studying my ass off in a dorm by next semester! Yeah!

Don't let the exclamation points fool you; I'm completely miserable.

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 17:40:10 GMT

Hope you have a great Thanksgiving :)

My lazy ass can't even update in her own journal.

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 15:55:59 GMT

Nothing overly-exciting as of late; plus, I have short-term memory so I forget things that are supposed to be important.

I feel beat. Yesterday was a day of cleaning around the house... well, more like cleaning my room, which resembled a pig-sty. It all started when I washed the car (all by myself! With not much water, by the way). When I finished I was hyped! That's when I tried organizing my room; throwing out old and useless shit, cleaning the fan, sweeping (heh)... I was gonna mop, but I finished so late that I left it like that. There's actually breathable air in that room now.

I went to the movies on Friday. Saw Harry Potter, which I can't stand but the tickets were already paid for so yes. More on that later.

Sucking sucks.

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 18:26:09 GMT

Good news first, I guess: I bought a car! A beautiful '91 Mirage, four doors, in the loveliest shade of light blue-green I've ever seen. All I need now is a driver's license, heh. But at least now I have a car I can drive around and practice in.

Now, for the bad, bad news.

I've been going to the mall for almost two weeks now, handing out resumés wherever I can. Among the places I went to where GameStop, K-Mart and a bookstore called 100 Años. Now, of all the places I've dreamt of working in lies the bookstore. I've always wanted to work in a bookstore. So, naturally, where did they have to call me from? The BOOKSTORE! I was pissed! I was in school when mother called and said they had left a message for an interview at 2pm. I ended up leaving early to the mall. I was a disaster; I wasn't dressed right, I was completely unprepared.

The interview sucked, and it was eternal. I didn't feel nervous but my responses were all mediocre. It was the very fact that I love books and I love to read that ruined everything, because in my opinion it made it seem like I was trying too hard. At the end they asked me: "How would you sell this book?" And I couldn't think of anything, and I rambled and in the end everything was so simple. They said "We'll call you" which basically said "you sucked, goodbye". Why couldn't it had been some other store? Why did it have to be my DREAM STORE, so I could blow all my chances? So I could be eternally frustrated? I wish I never handed in my resumé at that fucking bookstore - seriously. Now all my faint hopes are to be placed in GameStop.

There was another thing, but I forgot. Oh well.

Say Goodnight, Gracie.

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 13:52:54 GMT

Well, that's that.

Just hoping Joe doesn't get fired.

Just like the picture of the pelican trying to eat the frog and the frog is strangling the pelican.

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 14:54:19 GMT

Some HELL of a game that was last night, the Astros vs. the Braves. And while I didn't watch it, I bet it was probably the most kick ass game in the whole series... hell, make it the post series. FIVE HOURS, 18 innings... 7 to 6 FINAL. I wanted the Braves to win, damnit. Oh well.

And then there are the RED SOX.

I knew it. I knew there were going nowhere this season. They experienced such a downward spiral towards the end that their hopes were truly minimal. Plus, so many key players like Mark Bellhorn left... it was just a matter of time. I didn't expect a sweep, though. It sucks.

And the (damn) Yankees won. It's okay, though.

I saw a Bernie Williams interview yesterday. Says one of his passions is the guitar. It didn't surprise me much, considering I walked into a Music Store once and saw a whole bunch of BERNIE WILLIAMS cd's. I love baseball players/musicians... heh. I want the Bronson Arroyo cd.

Long Overdue;

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 18:16:02 GMT

R.I.P. Filiberto Ojeda

Brutally murdered by the FBI, negated the most basic human rights, you died for freedom.

I can't wait for this place to stop being a damn colony.

HAHAHAHA!!! People never cease to amuse me.

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 17:50:54 GMT

Thug Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

That'll do, cowboy.

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 14:55:00 GMT

God, I'm seriously becoming a morbid procrastinator to the third degree. One little slip and I keep on falling and falling... it's as if the less classes I take, the more of a damn slacker I become. I haven't gone to Life Cycle twice, and I had a quiz today. I still haven't done anything concerning my ten hours of community service. I haven't done any English labs, nor did I go to the class yesterday (and Shand is very strict). It's as if I don't care for classes anymore... I remember when I first started school, I used to be so driven, and now I barely give a damn. It's not that I hate school, I don't, but I don't take it as seriously anymore. Maybe it's one of those things where people are afraid they'll succeed, or fail. Whichever the case, I need to get my shit straight.

So yesterday was the Gilmore season premiere... good stuff. That's some identity crisis Rory is going through... I remember going through something similar last year (without the Yacht stealing, of course). Things start getting skewed at the end of your second year, usually.

The Yankees are two and a half games behind Boston. S.u.c.k.s.

Ironic quiz result.

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 17:55:30 GMT

Incredible! You know the male species like the back
of your hand. You must have a family and social
group filled with the little pigs. Any guy
would be extremely lucky to have you as a
girlfriend. He'll know it, too, as you'll be
getting "I love yous" and drooling
kisses galore. Message me. ;)

Ladies, how much do you really know about us guys?
brought to you by Quizilla

A mugshot is a cross to bear.

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 17:14:57 GMT

Imagine my surprise when I went to renew my ID and saw my horrible mugshot-looking picture on my new shiny card. I swear, I am the spitting image of Nick Nolte's mugshot. What's truly sad is that I saw this as my chance for redemption (I thought we would get a new picture). They're capable of putting that same picture on our yearbooks, the bastards.

It looks like there's a hurricane outside. It's only 1:11PM and it looks like it's 7PM. By the way, the town fair/carnaval starts today... the crappiest ever. It's only gonna last five days as opposed to the usual seven, due to lack of funds. Lack of funds my ass; they're just scrimping into their pockets.

I can't wait to get my grant money. I'm gonna get a haircut and buy a digital camera. I need a job, period.

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 16:27:46 GMT

Classes start today... bah! Thank God I'm only taking four, two on Mondays and Wednesdays, the other two on Tuesdays and Thursdays... and I have Fridays free! The best part is I cheked out how many credits I need to finish and I only have three semesters to go. I have to go to San German next semester for real this time. I'm kinda nervous but excited at the same time. If I take 12 credits over the summer I'll (hopefully) graduate by December! I can't wait considering I want to go for my Masters in Written Communications.

So I'm currently in the library, hiding out. It was bad enough I had to hide out from M for almost two years, but now I have to worry about this guy as well. Even though I'm aware I have no need for doing so, I like the thrill. I lead a very boring life. I guess in some ways I feel like a contemporary Madame Bovary, heh.

It feels good to be able to update again! I've been stuck for three months without computers, internet, etc. I missed my friends.

Home sweet home?

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 07:11:37 GMT

I'm back at my old house... oh well. 5 months was a pretty good run. I have no TV, which sucks since I'm going to miss the new Reno 911! and Everybody Loves Raymond, not to mention Gilmore Girls. I'd forgotten what it was like to be addicted to TV.

16 days until I'm 19. I feel old, sort of.

Mon, 16 May 2005 13:21:38 GMT

So Tito Trinidad lost, again.
And is retiring, again.
But he walked away with 17 million dollars, so who cares... really.
His whole drama queen act is getting old already.

Just one more day left of school... not counting finals, of course.

This has been a strangely exhilarating semester. It's been mediocre in the academics area but intense in other ways like living for the moment. I've always wanted to do that: live for the moment.

I need to make the schedule for next semester and transfer back to Aguadilla, because I'm a moron who left everything to chance this time.

Mother returns. I don't know if it even matters anymore, but she's become so extremely unstable that it doesn't even bother me anymore... and this bothers me. The main and probably only reason I wanted to go to San German was to get away from her... and yet I can't. I can't let it get to the extreme point of me running away from everything dear to me just to get away from her. I like it here; it's comfortable and small and there's fabolous technology. I don't want to give this up. If I'm going to be independent then fuck it, it's going to be on my terms. I can't keep running away from everything; I want to stand up and fight.

Last night I had an epiphany: my moronity has shattered many a man's ego. Men need to stop being so damn sensitive about every fucking thing, like get over it, I'm not out to emasculinate you, I do things because I do so don't make it about you. You'd be surprised... sometimes I'll do something completely oblivious to the fact that I hurt their precious ego, and when I get frozen out or argued against I get completely blindsided. Then they say women are hard to understand. Jesus.

I'm scared, for some reason. Uncomfortable... but I can't quite pinpoint what. That's even worse than having full-blown anxiety, I suppose.

Quizzes: The basis of psicoanalysis.

Wed, 11 May 2005 13:08:25 GMT

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Mon, 09 May 2005 17:44:08 GMT

You are 'regularly metric verse'. This can take
many forms, including heroic couplets, blank
verse, and other iambic pentameters, for
example. It has not been used much since the
nineteenth century; modern poets tend to prefer
rhyme without meter, or even poetry with
neither rhyme nor meter.

You appreciate the beautiful things in life--the
joy of music, the color of leaves falling, the
rhythm of a heartbeat. You see life itself as
a series of little poems. The result (or is it
the cause?) is that you are pensive and often
melancholy. You enjoy the company of other
people, but they find you unexcitable and
depressing. Your problem is that regularly
metric verse has been obsolete for a long time.

What obsolete skill are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I think I'd rather go back to being numb.

Fri, 06 May 2005 12:59:28 GMT

I'm a nervous wreck as of late. I don't know what's going on between me and the boy... we're so fucking apart as of late. We barely see each other anymore. We barely talk; and our conversations are stale and halting. He doesn't call me anymore, even when he says he will. He was never like that.

I saw him with a girl at the cafeteria, on Wednesday. I felt my world come crashing down and I almost collapsed; had Yashira not been there I don't know what I would've done. I still had a nervous breakdown, but at least she was there.

Maybe I'm just paranoid and over-analytical. But it's the little things, you know? The night before I had text messaged him: "Good luck with everything". Later that day, as I was waiting for my religion professor, he saw me and came over to where I was. He asked me what I meant with that text message, and I just told him I had class, and left. I'm such a fucking idiot.

That evening, Aly called me, asking me to go with her and Jasmine to La Cabaña to see La Secta. Of course I agreed, but I couldn't get him out of my mind, so I text messaged him an apology and told him we barely talked anymore, and it sucked. I don't think it was such a good idea, but whatever. I called him yesterday and he didn't pick up the phone. This whole situation is so fucking frustrating.

I miss him. I miss us. And when I call him, I want to tell him all of this. But we barely communicate anymore. And when we do, the words don't come out, and the conversation stalls, and I feel like a complete idiot. I'm not happy and spontaneous around him anymore; I'm brooding, cold, and quiet. I can't stand the confusion anymore. And the worst part is, I have no one to talk to. I don't know what's going on. I don't want to lose him.

Mon, 02 May 2005 14:12:01 GMT

You Are 20 Years Old

20

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

What a strange, depressing week last week was. It'd been a while since I'd gotten that depressed, but I'm feeling much better now. Damned insecurities.

I'm thinking San German was pure impulse, as usual. Except this was a necessary one. I don't know... I guess I'm staring to miss certain "things".

I'm tired and not making any sense. As usual.

P.S. I've watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind about ten times now. It never ceases to amaze me. I also watched Monster yesterday: It deserves all the praise it received; Charlize Theron was nothing short of billiant. And now I sound like a snobby movie critic.

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 13:00:44 GMT

Decided to skip History... again!

I have a Psych test later on... so I guess I should be studying for that, considering I haven't walked into that class for two weeks. Anyhow, I feel strangely empowered today... like something is gonna happen. I know I've had that feeling before and nothing actually does, but today is... different.

So I went to San German with Mary yesterday... we are both official transfers as of the Fall Semester. I am mysteriously calm and confident, but I suppose reality hasn't sunk in yet. I really hope I have a car by then, though. This is my only major concern. That, and the fact that Mary asked to be in the same dorm room as me. I don't think this is a good idea, considering the slight aversion I've developed towards her as of late. I find it strangely ironic how I'm considering marrying off to get away from a (future) roomate and not my mother, heh. But other than that, it all feels right. Everything in my life seems right as of now. And the stranger part about all of it is all the calm, which I guess is the "Eye of the Hurricane"; the calm that can only happen before the fatal part of the storm returns.

God I can be so fatalistic.

I seriously need to: a) dye my hair, and b) ~~cut~~ trim my hair. It is unbelievably long... to the point where it gets in the way when I'm doing random everyday things (like turning around... okay, that's just plain random). My dark blonde roots are aproximately three inches long... but it doesn't look bad considering my hair is black now. I briefly considered dying it red, but I don't know... red is too high maintanance. ~~I think I'll just dye it brown and get it over with.~~ Not brown, brown is such a boring color; probably stay with black. I'm tired of worrying endlessly about hairdye, although I know I could never go through with it.

I'm tired.

"I sat and forever am at work here."
- Lorelai, Gilmore Girls